Interview with the President

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash, with photo-manipulation by the author.

The president of the United States has, arguably, one of the toughest jobs in the world, although our current president makes it look so easy. Almost too easy? And yet no one can deny the strenuous effort necessary to shoot several rounds of golf each week, at a variety of courses on his properties, not to mention the countless hours spent in grueling contemplation of, or “watching,” television news. Moreover, no other president has displayed the same unflagging dedication to live-tweeting his every thought and whimsy. Our ‘POTUS’ perseveres, even when those thoughts don’t make any kind of sense whatsoever,

So we were very fortunate to sit down with the president a short while ago, on Air Farce One, as he flew from the disaster sites caused by hurricanes on the East Coast to disaster sites caused by forest fires on the West Coast. Our “Disaster” president, despite our very tough line of question, was open, honest, affable, and even, at times, alliterative. The following has been edited for readability only.

What is your opinion on the English Alphabet?

Look, before I took over, the alphabet was in complete shambles. Letters all over the place. I mean, maybe that’s okay for the England people, but I’m the law and order president. And frankly, I’ve done more for alphabetizering than almost any other president before me. The letter A, for example, it should be at the front, so we moved it to the front. And a lot of people don’t understand about the E. Before, no one ever really used it. Now we use it all the time. Which is amazing. You go to your beautiful eye doctor, and there’s an eye charts. Several. But it doesn’t start with the letter I, it starts with E. Of course, my eyesight is amazing, I don’t wear glasses. And there’s no I in team, which is why I take the credit for all the work we’ve done.

And numbers, we’ve done some wonderful things with numbers. We’ve introduced the American people to the number one — they tell me it’s because I’m number one. Kimberly Jong Un regularly gets holes in ones when he golfs, I’m told. We’ve never played together, but we should, I could probably teach him a thing or two. We have a beautiful relationship. He’s like the daughter I wish I never had so I could have her without her being my daughter. He wrote me a letter, as you know, and it’s full of these things called sentences. I haven’t read them but there are some very smart people working for me who say they have. And in two weeks, we’re going to announce some very interesting things about sentences.

But some of the world’s top linguists are saying that the alphabet has always been like this.

Well, frankly, that’s anti-Semitic. What Dr. Foucault said, it’s unacceptable, when he dismissed the integrity of semiotic signs, and called upon abstract constructs that allowed those signs to assign and communicate specific, repeatable relations to, between, and among objects, subjects, and statements, resulting in the rendering of discourse as an exercise in subjectivity (1), despite the inherent contradictions in this formulation with his quasi-existential philosophy borrowed from Nietzsche for no other purpose than to champion an uber-wort that mimetically outperforms other, lesser, weaker, ephemeral conjugations of verbal intent. That’s a little too socialist for my blood. And I’m more of a Derrida kinda guy. Right? This is not a pipe. But what if it is. That’s what we’re doing with the alphabet. See, the democrats, they’re saying alphabetization isn’t politically correct. And they want to take away your guns. The American people cannot afford to live with an alphabet that doesn’t have those letters, the ones in Guns, the G and the O and the other ones.

American school children lag way behind other nations in literacy. Why is that?

Well, we do more testing. Children need to be in school. My own children, who could have gone to some of the best schools their mothers told me we could afford, are proof of that. One of the sons I’m told I have has written two bestsellers. And the person he hired to write them for him even let him include some of his own sentences. You look at Mexico, where they don’t have books, so they come here, and try to take books away from Americans. This is why the people who have never read a book voted for me. And what are books made of. Trees. Trees cause fires. There are fires. This is why they don’t rake the leaves in Democrat forests, like the federally owned land in California. No trees means no books. It’s book burning before they’re even books. It’s books abortions. I have always been against abortion. Every single woman who has credibly accused me of sexual assault is pro-abortion because after I assaulted them they didn’t have babies. Babies who should be in schools.

They call me the education president because I have had four or five children- maybe more, who knows, the 80s were like Vietnam for me, I dodged some bullets, and let me tell you, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, AIDS, they don’t care if you have bone spurs, whether they’re real or not. So yes, I am pro-education, because some of my children have gone to schools. My newest one, the one whose name his mother doesn’t like reporters or me to say, that one time I visited, he told me he couldn’t talk to me, he had homework. That’s smart. Middle of July, might have been February, he’s doing homework. Sharp kid. Not as sharp as me, but sharp. Sharpish.

You mentioned numbers earlier. Care to elaborate?

The book of Numbers, speaking of books, is in the Bible, which is my favorite book. I’ve read it more times than I can count. And I can count pretty high, let me tell you. When you have as much money as I do, you learn how to count pretty high. And numbers — a lot of people don’t know this — when numbers get really high, they use even more numbers to say those numbers. Twelve. Well that’s a one, and a two. Or, if you look at, say, all of the money I was able to take from my casinos, that’s a very high number. In fact, it’s so high, those casinos aren’t around any more. They’re like soldiers who were shot and killed in combat, some people call them losers.

So I know a lot about numbers, I have all the best numbers. We introduced the American people to 45, because I’m the 45th president. No other president had ever been the 45th president of the United States before I did it. And think about it. I’ve been president for four years. So you could say I have also been the 46th president, and 47th, however high that goes, all the way up to 50. 50 states. I won all 50 states in the election, if you don’t count the votes. Because a lot of people can’t count, and I know, because they tell me, they say, Mr. President, we can’t count on you. It’s sad, it’s very sad. I think that’s why people who can’t count very high voted for me.

Thank you for your time, sir. We know you’re very busy. Anything else you’d like to say?

Yes. We’ve been talking about letters and numbers here. My opponent wants to get rid of those things entirely. He wants to replace all of the signs that people read, the ones that tell them where to go and what to do and how to do it, what to think. We can’t afford to do that in this country. Remember, the constitution was written with almost every letter in the alphabet. And some of those letters were used multiple times, which means counting. Trust me. I know all about doing things that the Constitution says a person can’t do. What happens to people like that. People say “nothing” and then they point at me. But you can’t say nothing because nothing is something. So we need letters and numbers. And as your president, I will continue to provide the something that nothing is, for the American people.

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Almost fifty, married, got a kid, love him to pieces even though he drives me insane, which he gets from his mom, but it’s cool, I do it to them too.

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Jason Edwards

Jason Edwards

Almost fifty, married, got a kid, love him to pieces even though he drives me insane, which he gets from his mom, but it’s cool, I do it to them too.

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